Trapped in Hell

About This Blog

The following is an account of what I remember upon finding myself in a room of a mental health facility, and not knowing how on earth I got there…

Where the fuck am I?????
Okay, okay, okay…. take stock… Think! Goddammit!
I’m in a room… a room I’ve never seen before…
Fuck! How did I get here?? I really can’t remember. It feels like I’ve always been in this room, since before I even existed all the way up through my time with my wife and son…
Shit! That’s right! I have a wife and son!! Fuck! Okay I think that’s real, I think they’re real… fuck, FUCK! Where am I?
Okay okay okay, look around… I’m in a very plain room. I’m sitting upright on a bed… it’s a plain bed with white sheets and a white pillow… There are two beds… there’s wooden shelves in either corner across from the beds, both empty. There’s a plastic end table next to the bed…
The wall parallel with the two beds has large windows from about waist height up to the ceiling…
I go over to the window, I look out. Nothing looks familiar. I’ve never seen any of this before, I don’t know where I am.
I feel my pockets, fuck! Where’s my keys?? Where’s my wallet? My phone?? It’s like I don’t even exist!!
Do I exist?? I’m not exactly sure because I’m having a hard time dialing in on who I am… I have a wife and son, I know that… Jimmy.
Jimmy! Fuck! My son! Shit, I have to get back to him! Fuck I’m away from him and I don’t know how I left him! I could have left him in a car! Or in the middle of a store!! Fuck where the fucking fuck am I????
Goddammit I need to get back to him!!
Shit! Did I die?? Is this what dying is like?? I have no identity and just the tiniest notion that I used to have a son…
I’m in a nondescript room with no apparent way out… maybe this is heaven? Hell? Limbo?
I need a way out… wait…. look around! Yes! A door! Back on the other side of the beds away from the window… okay, just open the door and leave and go find Jimmy… I walk over.
The door won’t open… why won’t the door open? Look at the handle, fuck what is this handle?? I’ve never seen a handle like this in my life…
I’m definitely dead… I’ve died and this is something else, a place where door handles look like this… I’ve seen enough door handles in my life to know this is something I’ve never seen before, which clinches it, I’m definitely dead…
But I have to pee… pretty badly, too… dead people don’t pee… or at least I really don’t think they do…
I need a bathroom… okay there is a sink here next to this door which should be the door out but isn’t letting me out… and there’s another door next to the sink… a bathroom!
Okay that must be the bathroom! I try the handle, another weird fucking handle! It moves! Okay good! I move it one way, it doesn’t open, I move it another way…. the door moves!
Wait, is it a push or a pull??? I pull it, it closes! Fuck! Wait I tried it and it opened, which means maybe the other door will open, the other door that should lead out!
I try the out door again… still weird, still not moving. I try the different ways like on the bathroom door… fuck I still have to pee!
I go back to the bathroom door! I try it, it opens, I pull, it’s closed! Fuck what is happening! I push partly and than put my foot in and then pull the door against my foot! It won’t open! What is going on??? I close it again.

Maybe I could pee in the sink… no I’m too short… but again maybe I don’t need to pee since I’m dead, we’ve established this.
I go back to the bed and sit down again…
Wait, a Dream! Yes a dream! That’s what this must be! I’m having a dream and I will wake up!

Great! I lie down, close my eyes… I’m not waking up, and I have to pee even worse…
I try again.. eyes closed… open… still here!
Fuck!
Wait in my dreams I wake up when I start peeing, right!!
Okay, I try to start peeing… I can’t just pee on myself, oddly enough…
Fine, fuck it! I stand up, pull down my pants and pee on the bed…
Relief… and a wet bed… but I’m still here.
Shit.
Okay there is a tiny bit less urgency now but I still need to get the fuck home, soon! I still don’t know what happened to Jimmy! Fuck! He could be crying for me right now! Fuck!!
I go to the out door again, I try one way, no. I try the other way. I get down on my knees this time and I watch the way the handle moves – it’s an up and down handle but it rotates from a point at the bottom, so weird!
I rotate it all the way to one side as far as it will go… VICTORY! It opens!