Anger

I’m angry a lot… I mean, I think I was generally angry since I was a kid and my parents split up, but this is different. My anger now has a very clear flashpoint and focus, and it mostly has to do with what happened to me in that place.

For two weeks I was placed on a drug that had no business being in my system… It was pretty clear to me and my family that it was doing something very strange to me while I was there. However, since I was put in there in the first place because I was acting strangely, when I continued to act strangely on the new drug on which I didn’t belong, the “brilliant” minds at this facility decided to up my dosage, because clearly if a little wasn’t working, even more would somehow do the trick.

Anyone who has experienced a trauma that involved being put in a situation in which they were powerless can surely relate to how I feel – I had no control and essentially no rights (I tried to deny the meds, but it’s very hard to make a convincing stand for yourself when you’re essentially out of your mind). On top of that I was having a horrendous experience that I couldn’t explain (except for the drugs…) and was completely reliant on everyone else to do what was right.

Well, the right thing didn’t happen, and that is something I am learning to accept. I have memories of feelings and thoughts I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. One thing I can count on, though, is that I know they are mine. I experienced those things, and came out the other side, and now I’m here, sharing it with anyone who will listen.