Exactly what happened after this mental vision quest is a bit of a blur…
I was starting to have a very difficult time keeping my thoughts routed in reality… I remember very vaguely trying the hardest I could to explain what I was experiencing to everyone present including my wife, my sister, and my brother in law,… I would get excited by some new revelation I was experiencing and try desperately to use my words to explain to them, but between the extremely distracting visions, my own excitement and at times panic related to everything happening, and the fact that I was increasingly aware that the words coming out of my mouth made no sense, it was basically impossible to explain.
I can only really explain the experience from my own point of view, but from what I remember I was repeating words and phrases over and over again that seemed to have some meaning to me, but clearly had no meaning to my family: phrases like, “this reality” and “it will all make sense later,” and “I’m so glad this is happening with you three people.” It is obvious to me now that I was completely delusional, but without knowing what had caused these delusions, my mind could only leap to the most spectacular of explanations.
It is sad to me now too to think back on that night because I remember vividly thinking that my thoughts were among the most profound I had ever had, and in the moment I really believed that the experience was “real,” or had significance or meaning.
This is certainly not to say that it doesn’t have meaning now that I know it was all essentially drug induced… in fact, I’d say that that night only gains more and more significance based on everything I experienced after that and the way this event and the events directly after it have affected my life, but some of the “cosmic knowledge” which I felt I was gaining or it’s sort of “divine” significance overall has diminished…
Though I have to say, part of my experience that night, and subsequent experiences in the hospital, have explained some of this “diminishing” cosmic meaning in a very interesting and compelling way. One reflection or realization about this was that if I HAD indeed experienced something divine or “otherworldly”, HOW could I possibly expect to have the tools with which to comprehend such an experience?… One such revelation occurred in the hospital, which I will explain when I get to that point chronologically, but essentially the revelation was that my little glimpse of the divine was CERTAINLY more than I could ever handle with my simple little brain, and that as I became further and further detached from this experience, OF COURSE it would become less and less clear, feel more and more like a dream, and be just as easily dismissible.
HOWEVER, this realization, at least to me, does not mean that the significance of those “visions” should be any less. It should just serve as a reminder to myself (and hopefully one day others), that the truly divine connection of all existence is in fact truth, and even though I may not understand it, it does not in any way make it less true and meaningful. This was honestly completely and utterly comforting, especially given just how UNCOMFORTABLE I would become in most every other sense of the word in the following month…
The Absolute Center of Everything 