An Oldie but Goodie

The following is an old writing of mine that I just rediscovered… and it’s ringing true for me once again… hopefully it will ring true for someone else who might need it, too…

There is a place in my head that I go sometimes.

In this place in my head, it is very comfortable and cozy in a strange way, because nothing ever happens.  It is the place between decision and indecision, thought and action, confidence and uncertainty.  It is slightly uncomfortable, yet I have been there so many times that there is a weird kind of comfort and familiarity when I arrive.  My seat is already warm for me when I sit down, curl up, and hide.  I can stay in this place for hours, days, weeks, months, sometimes even years.

Things happen and life goes on while I am in this place, but everything feels pretty much the same.  It is the place of inaction, passivity, indifference, and denial.  I like to think of it as my mind’s corner, and I huddle there in the dark until I feel safe again.

If you’ve ever been in this place in your own head, you can relate to the feeling.  It feels to me like cowardice.  I have been pushed into my mind’s corner by the thoughts and feelings that scare me and taunt me, that criticize me when I move forward in any direction.  They tell me, “Stay there!  Don’t move!  You disrupt things when you move!  You make mistakes!  You fail!  You find wrong turns and wrong directions!  Stay put! Stay right there until…..  Just stay there!!”

There is an intoxicating reassurance in inaction.  If I do not move, I will not fail.  I will not battle with OCD.  I will not have another drawn-out fight with myself that leads me  nowhere.  I won’t have to explain to anyone why I am the way I am.  I won’t have to worry, although I’ll still feel anxious.

However, inaction leads to many other non-occurrences.  I will not succeed.  I will not prosper.  I will not enjoy my life and the amazing things I am capable of discovering if I take that first step.  I will not love my wife and my family with all my heart.  I will not meet new friends, make new relationships, or enjoy old ones.

I am the only one who knows that I am in this place, if I even realize that I’m here at all.  I can’t be told that I am here.  Since no one knows I am here, no one can find me here, although that doesn’t stop me from waiting for someone.  I fantasize about what it would be like to be found:  “Come with me!  Everything will be alright!  Here’s exactly what you should be doing right now.  Just do it, and everything will be okay.”  I wait and wait, but no one comes.

But, if I do know that I am in this place, I can get myself out.  And that is what I am going to do.  I will leave a mental teddy bear in the corner to wait for me and keep my spot warm until I return.  I could be back, and in all likelihood I will be back, but that’s not going to stop me from getting up and moving.  I am going for a walk, venturing into new ground, exploring things I didn’t know I was capable of.  I am meeting new people, taking chances, enjoying the risk.

I know myself. I know that I am not a coward, and I have not sat still all my life and just let things happen to me, and that’s not what I’m going to do now. So, while it may not feel great at first, I am moving again. And I like it.